K.T. Noire

Well, another WWE Pay-Per-View has passed, and it’s time for a review.

Air Boom (Evan Bourne/Kofi Kingston) [C] beat Awesome Truth (The Miz/R-Truth) for the Tag Team Championship via DQ

Good match to open the PPV, even if the finish was a bit weird. Evan Bourne slapped his own arm and the referee counted that as a tag despite not seeing it, followed by Miz/Truth hitting a legal tag and not being allowed it. Despite this, The Miz hit his finisher on Evan Bourne and went for the win, but was ignored by the referee.

Inevitably, this led to a resurgence of the Miz/Truth “conspiracy” theory, building up to Miz attacking the referee, leading to the DQ. 3/5

Cody Rhodes [C] beat Ted DiBiase for the Intercontinental Championship

This match was absolutely terrible. Slow, the crowd didn’t care, and it felt like it had been thrown together at the last minute because the match absolutely had to happen. DiBiase ripping off Rhodes mask was good, until he flopped it about for no discernible reason. 1/5

Dolph Ziggler [C] beat Jack Swagger, Alex Riley and John Morrison for the United States Championship

This was the best match of the night so far. Vickie Guerrero didn’t play a huge part, which was helpful (apart from putting Jack Swagger’s leg on the ropes whilst he was getting pinned). There were a few good moments in this, including a brilliant Ziggler vs Swagger submission showdown, where each had one of Morrison and Riley in their signature holds, and were fighting to make their man tap first. Ziggler eventually won after pushing Swagger out of the way after he hit a powerbomb on Riley, claiming the pin. 3.5/5

Mark Henry beat Randy Orton [C] to become the new World Heavyweight Champion

Well, fuck. This match was barely average, with Mark Henry throwing his not inconsiderable weight around, mostly obliterating Orton at every turn. Orton even went for his HAHA RKO OUT OF NOWHERE and just got pushed away by Henry. It was oddly compelling. Then suddenly, Mark Henry won. Just like that. The crowd seemed to love that a bit. 2/5

Kelly Kelly [C] beat Beth Phoenix for the Divas Championship

Beth Phoenix got the best reaction of the entire night. The crowd were totally behind her, and she absolutely dominated the match. Until Kelly Kelly got some batshit retarded “lucky pin”. Despite the absolutely moronic winner, this was a really good match, and in terms of sheer surprise, was the best match of the entire night. No, really. 4.5/5

John Cena beat Alberto Del Rio [C] to become the new WWE Champion

This match was alright, but was overshadowed somewhat by the amusing entrance, wherein Alberto Del Rio was “forced” to walk to the ring when his keys went missing. Inevitably, John Cena had taken the keys and turned up to the arena in “Del Rio’s” Ferrari. Nice car, by the way. The match was largely the John Cena show, with Del Rio going for his armbar submission, being countered into some sort of bizarre powerbomb, before tapping out to the STF. 3/5

Triple H beat CM Punk

I don’t quite know how to explain this match. It was No Holds Barred, which helped. The segments where the match went into the crowd were great, as the action flowed wonderfully, including an amusing moment involving the two throwing sandbags at each other.

The end began with Punk knocking HHH onto the announce table, going up for an elbow drop, hitting it and then both men crawling back into the ring. Then the clusterfuck began. Here goes. The Miz and R-Truth ran out, and attacked Punk and HHH. The Miz put CM Punk on top off HHH and forced the referee to count the pin. HHH kicked out at two, Miz and Truth flipped their shit and attacked the referee, who fought back and floored The Miz, only to get thrown out of the ring by R-Truth.

This in turn brought out John Laurinaitis, who signaled for another referee. Triple H hit a pedigree on CM Punk, but Laurinaitis distracted the new referee by, er, asking his opinion on the first referee. CM Punk hit the GTS on HHH, and Laurinaitis sent in referee 2 to count the pin, which was inexplicably broken up by R-Truth (who’d tried to force exactly the same situation about 2 minutes ago). The Miz and R-Truth then decided they’d done enough and randomly wandered off.

Laurinaitis then sent a text message. By a complete and no doubt completely unplanned coincidence, Kevin Nash was then spotted charging through the crowd, completely unaffected by security, despite being fired about a week ago. He made his way to the ring and attacked both combatants. Eventually, HHH twatted Nash in the face with a sledgehammer, hit another pedigree on Punk and won the match.

I literally have no fucking idea what went on. Can’t even rate the match.